So, being me is exhausting. Being around me is even more exhausting. I set the tone of how life will go. I have my expectations and everyone must fall in line. I’m not clear on my expectations and seldom set boundaries so I am disappointed more often than not. Those around me don’t intend to disappoint. Though, I’m so hard to please that I caused some to just give up trying.

Imagine not realizing everyone is not me? Everyone’s perceptions, needs, expectations and thoughts are not aligned with mine. Any push-back or objections prompt me to dig my heels in deeper to control and manipulate.

I like hugs so I’m going to hug you not considering for one moment that hugs make you uncomfortable. I baked a delicious cake. I offer a big piece without thinking about your dietary restrictions. I also didn’t consider if you are trying to lose weight.

Looking inward honestly, these awareness’s hit me. I have a tendency to impose my will. I lack empathy. I often felt others didn’t consider my feelings when it was me not considering anyone’s feelings.

For a very long time, I prided myself on my identity of being strong and determined. I wore it as a badge of honor. There must be something wrong with you if you complain about me who baked a cake just for you. Finding fault with someone so loving that they want to show you love by hugging you. It’s your problem for being so ungrateful.

A realization hit me one day when I was listing “All I do for you…” and the response was, “Who asked you to?” It was clear that my willfulness, pride, and lack of empathy had eroded intimacy and trust. These traits had ruined relationships and needed to STOP.

I recalled an Aesop’s fable I had heard once. It was about the sun and the wind arguing about who was stronger. They agreed to decide the stronger one. The challenge was to make a man walking down the street take his coat off. The wind went first. He blew and blew but this only made the man pull his coat tighter around him. Finally, giving up, the wind told the Sun to try. So, the sun let out gentle yet strong warm rays. The man became warmer and removed his coat. The sun was pronounced the winner.

I was the blustery wind! I would rather be the warm gentle sun. Unknowingly, I had pushed people away. I had thought only of my own needs, wants and desires.

I feel ashamed to admit it. I even imposed my will on God. I was disappointed when my prayers weren’t answered. I knew what I did was not prayer. It was my usual orders disguised as prayers. I knew better than God and added HIM to the list of, “If only He would.” What an ego! SUCH ARROGANCE!

Then, out of the blue, someone gave me a God Box. ( in the ToolBox) Any box will do – some paper and a pen. When I was worried about someone, I would write their name on a paper. I put the paper in the box and said to God, “Thy Will be done.” When feeling anxious, afraid, angry – Put in the box, “Jesus please take this from me”. Lonely, sad – In the box, “Let me feel your presence Lord.” Happy, hopeful – In the box, “Thank you God”. When I realized past mistakes or made new ones, in the box, “Forgive me Lord. Help me to seek Your will and not my own.”

At first, I needed a bigger box. It filled up so fast. As time went on, I was talking to God without using the box. Now I talk to Him all day – everyday. I look for miracles and see them often. I’m never alone. I ask for knowledge of His will and the courage and strength to carry it out. I give thanks constantly. If I enter a packed parking lot and get a spot right in front of the place I’m going to… “Thank you God”. Or if I have to park 2 blocks away…. “Thanks God. I needed the exercise.” Today, I trust God’s plan for me. I seek His will not my own. I see every obstacle is an opportunity for learning and growth.

I mess up sometimes and recognize it, make amends and remember I’m human. My goal is progress not perfection. I ask myself: Who am I to try control others when I can’t control myself? Who am I to manipulate other people and situations instead of trusting God’s plan for them and me? I take out my slogan cards and read, “Let go and let God.”

Through self reflection and prayer I can be kinder to everyone around me including myself. I need to trust the process of self repair.

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Let us know where you are on your self repair journey in the comments below.