You know the drill. Your kid gets a scraped knee. Face wrinkling up and instantly stops breathing – 1, 2 then 3 seconds. Finally, a loud blood curdling cry is unleashed. Superhero mom appears in an instant. She swoops the kid up and quickly knows the diagnosis and treatment plan. One kiss on the knee is all that’s needed for a full recovery. Placement of an adhesive tape for good measure. Good as new!

As children, they expect that mom’s kiss makes the pain go away. The bandage provides added comfort. This takes away all doubt that they’ll be fine.

As grownups, What’s our “kiss” or Bandage?

I was constantly disappointed when things didn’t go as I expected. I made everything personal and about me. If you were expected home at 5 pm you should be home at 5 pm. No excuses, no apologies mattered. I already labeled you inconsiderate, uncaring of my feelings and unworthy of me. I cut you down to feeling 2″ tall and you deserved it.

A result of my self reflection journey led to my moment of truth. I had become someone I didn’t know or like. The painful realization that my behavior was worse than how anyone had ever treated me made me feel physically sick. I felt ashamed, sorry and guilty for the pain I caused.

And then it happened! A magic moment – I’m not crazy I’m just human. I CAN CHANGE ME. I prayed for God’s help and forgiveness. I forgave myself (a little). I put myself in my God Box. I repeated my slogans, keep it simple, easy does it, one day at a time. I thought back to my childhood. I remembered a mole on my neck just under my ear. My father would often kiss me on that mole. He would say, “When you grow up, your husband is going to kiss your mole too.” My expectation was firmly set. So, when I did get married, I shyly showed my husband my mole. I was waiting for a sweet kiss. He looked at the mole in disgust saying, “Eww”. My cherished little girl fantasy completely shattered. At that moment, all my hopes and dreams for my marriage and future with this man felt instantly broken. My mind began to spiral with thoughts ranging from – how did I marry such an insensitive person? to He doesn’t love me.

I silently kept these feelings inside, not communicating my hurt or my needs. I’m still not sure why. I don’t think I considered him worthy of knowing how much it affected me. I just didn’t trust him enough to care. It was the fear of sharing my needs and be rejected and hurt all over again. For whatever reason, or a combination of reasons, I built an invisible wall. A wall to hide behind to protect me from disappointment and further hurt.

The years passed and the self imposed wall got thicker and taller – It also felt tighter and more suffocating. What was meant to protect was the thing that was destroying me and my relationships. I would hurt you before you could hurt me. I would blame others to take the focus off me and my actions. I would belittle to make me feel bigger. I would try to control to make me feel strong…..

Through self awareness, faith, and prayer, I gained the insight to healing. I built the trust in God and myself that I‘ll be ok. This practice provides the comfort to move on from hurt and sorrow.

Self Reflection check list: When I am hurt, is my reaction to cry? – Be angry? Resentful? Seek revenge? Punish? If I look inward, can I acknowledge that I have played a part in the perceived hurt? Was my reaction appropriate or did it add to the conflict? Did I clearly communicate my needs? Were my expectations fair? Did I turn to God? Did I seek His will or my own? Do I trust? Am I capable of letting it go?

On any given day, my answers to the above questions can vary. In my humanness, God understands this and is there to remind, guide and love me unconditionally. So, I know I MUST – Keep my heart open to God’s presence in my life. I MUST – Believe that there are no coincidences i.e. when I hear the perfect song lyrics that I need to hear at that moment; or a stranger’s smile. I must remember to use my tool of gratitude daily, even several times a day. Use my tool of the Daily Bucket List. In doing these things consistently, erases worry, anxiety and the need to look outside myself for happiness. When I get busy, I get better.

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How do you feel when your expectations are not met? Please share your experiences in the comments below.